I Wish I Was An Atheist

A friend of mine once used the phrase "doom with frosting" to describe her birthday cake. The phrase stuck with me as a means of describing the problems I have in my personal spiritual journey. The frosting would be the positive things that come from being a person who believes in something greater than oneself, trying to do right, attempting to serve the larger good. The doom comes from the unshakable feeling I'm getting it all wrong. God tends to be a lot more favorable to His devoted, not his doubters. My relationship with God has primarily been about the desire for a connection that continually seems close enough yet just out of reach. So I read and research and try to find that way to a connection, but sometimes it seems like this may actually bring me farther away. What does God feel towards those who seek but do not find? Recently I discovered not only do I envy those who have that connection, but those who've severed it.
Atheists are cool. To declare there is no God of any kind watching over us and all our worries and obsessions over pleasing deities is a waste of time. I love that devotion! I wish I had conviction like that. It would make life so much less confusing. But I can't deny that when I enter a Catholic church I feel something more than I do when I go into just another building or even another church. Other religious sites or temples I can appreciate for their sense of peace and beauty, and admire the devotion of the faithful while knowing I'm not one of them. But a Catholic church makes me feel like I'm missing something. Like an annoying game of hide and seek where the seeker feels like it's only hidden from him. Everyone else has found it. This raises questions for me as to why I don't feel that way anywhere else. Sure I'm envious of other faiths' devotional followers but I can view them from a perspective of someone who is on the outside just observing something intersting and kinda wonderful. Only Catholicism gets under my skin. It annoys me. Is that spiritual? It's all I have.
Dear God I wish I was an atheist. Or agnostic. Or pagan. Or Buddhist. Or certain of my place spiritually instead of this holding pattern of feeling like I know but don't. It's there and I don't see it. And the more I look I'm getting farther from seeing. It's all just doom with frosting.